Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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