Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
