I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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