Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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