Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
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