Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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