I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
