Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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