i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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