I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
