I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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