I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
