and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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