My girlfriend figured out who you are.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
