I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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