Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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