And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
