I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Randomize
