This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize