i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
