I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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