and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
