I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
