Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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