wrigley field is MILF paradise
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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