Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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