Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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