It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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