We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
