Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
