Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
