if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
