Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
