so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
