Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
