The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
