He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
