Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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