I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
