i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i think i have two assholes
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
two words: eviction party
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
