It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
