you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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