I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
