she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
