Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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