God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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