after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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