In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
