32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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