Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
