i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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