so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
