I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize