fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Randomize