literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
