I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Life without a bra equals bliss.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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