I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
